CFB: The Dirty Dozen and Bottom of the Barrel: No Cupcakes!

We always cringe the first two weeks of the College Football season knowing full well that most of the "Power of 5" schools and quite often other D-1 schools play teams that have no chance of beating them, but are just in it for the paycheck.

Not because we're afraid someone might get hurt, but because it's an insult to the fans. It's like going to see the 4th exhibition game of the NFL preseason. You pay full price and get half the product.



But anyway...

Rosie

We start the season 12-1 because, well, we're just that good. But really it's not hard to say pick Alabama to beat Florida Atlantic or FSU to beat Citadel.

I'm pretty sure even Rosie our Lab/Terrier pup
could have picked those games:

And no, there's no truth to the rumor that this photo was taken shortly after she'd eaten a cupcake either...

But we digress...

There are some better games on the slate this week as most of the better teams begin the heart of their conference schedules....

We should note the shadow looming over several teams, including FSU, which is now facing a federal investigation over the way the handled the investigation of defending Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston after some pretty serious allegations a couple years ago.

But, alas, we forgot to post our introductory video last week, so without further ado...



And to quote the late Casey Kasem, "It's time to get 'On With the Countdown'"

THE DIRTY DOZEN:

Tell 'em Naitch--



1) FSU 2-0. So yeah, they took care of the Citadel and apparently survived with all their knees intact. Though they didn't light 'em up either. It's time to get serious this week...we think. Okay maybe. (This Week: vs. Clemson. Our Pick: FSU 43, Clemson 30)

2) Oregon 2-0. They pulled away from a solid, but slow Michigan State last week. Marcus Mariotta again flashed some sick athletic skill and the Ducks survived a physical team. Their reward? A cupcake. (This Week: vs. Wyoming. Our Pick: Oregon 41, Wyoming 20)

3) Auburn 2-0. So the Tigers should have a full stomach after eating cupcakes last week right? Will it slow them down? Not likely. A rare out of conference away game may help them sweat it out, but not much. (This Week: at Kansas St. Our Pick: Auburn 50, K-State 30)

4) Alabama 2-0. No, sorry, the Tide don't get to roll up the poll just because they shutout FAU, they're supposed to do that. And it would have been 63-0 if they finished the game. You know it would've. Anyway, Coach Kiffykins and the Great Satan seem to have settled on a QB...for now. They made the right decision. (This Week: vs. Southern Miss. Our Pick: Bama 48, S.Miss 10)

5) Texas A&M 2-0. "Trill" Hill? Really? Are you sure about copywriting that name? We're willing to bet nobody else thought of or was interested in stealing it from you. But then again, we aren't very hip, so we could be wrong. We digress. No reason stats won't get padded this week. Hope they have room for another "Cupcake". (This Week: vs. Rice. Our Pick: Aggies 57, Rice 7)

6) Georgia 1-0. No, Dawg fans, you don't get to climb in our poll because you were off last week. Though props for not slating a cupcake instead. Guess it's about time to find out if you've got any substance. And hey, a win this week, and you are the KINGS of South Carolina. Just watch out for that Spurrier guy, he's tricky. (This Week: vs. S.Carolina. Our Pick: UGA 28, SC 21)

7) Oklahoma 2-0. Sorry, we aren't buying "Big Game" Bob's hype yet. His team IS better than they've been the past couple years and yes, are probably the team to beat in the Little Nine (Big 12). But it's been all about the cupcakes to get started. A little better test this week though. (This Week: vs. Tennessee. Our Pick: Oklahoma 34, Vols 31)

8) The Pat Haden's. 2-0. Yes, we're making fun of USC. Why on God's Green Earth would the Sark have called the AD to come down to the field and fight his fight? Could he not reach his mom? Suffice to say though, Sarkasian has done well and seems to have Trojan Man back on track. (This Week: at Boston College. Our Pick: USC 30, BC 20)

9) LSU 2-0. After fattening up on a cupcake last week, Les and his boys square of with Lousiana-Monroe, a dangerous team that nearly won the SEC West a couple of years ago (think about it). But the practice time has helped youngster Leonard Fournette to already learn that he loves him some him. (This Week: vs. La.Monroe. Our Pick: LSU 34, Monroe 21)

10) Notre Dame 2-0. Welcome back Irish fans. Though you too have had a cupcake schedule, it looks like Everett Golston put his one year exile to good use. You aren't deep or good enough to win it all, but you won't run the table or stay here long either. (This Week: vs. Purdue. Our Pick: Notre Dame 37, Purr-done 10)

11) Baylor 2-0. Another team that will wow the pollsters but won't be around for your Final Four. Not gonna happen. We're thinking we may rename this team Oregon Lite. Think about it. It fits....(This Week: at Buffalo. Our Pick: Baylor 41, Buffalo 28)

12) Arizona St. 2-0. Okay. We will bite. Sure, they've gone cupcake too. But this is an up and coming program in the Pac 12. Really...they are. (This Week: at Colorado. Our Pick: ASU 37, Colorado 20)

THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL:



5) SMU 0-2. Not a good week for The Mustangs. They've been outscored 88-6 in their 1st two games and their Coach walked away mid-week. Enjoy your fall. (This Week: BYE. Our Pick: BYE 44, SMU 3)

4) Florida Atlantic 0-2. Lucky for them, the Alabama game was called off in the 4th quarter. Yes, they've been outscored 96-7 this year. And it doesn't appear that it will get better. Good thing campus isn't far from the beach. (This Week: vs. Tulsa. Our Pick: Tulsa 23, FAU 3.5)

3) Vanderbilt 0-2. Welcome back Commode-dores. It's been awhile. Congrats Derrick Mason, you're making James Franklin appear to be the greatest coach in NCAA history. 10-points in 2 games? Really. You know you are in the SEC, right? (This Week: vs. UMass. Our Pick: Vandy 10, UMass 5)

2) UMass 0-2. Well, the Minutemen had a chance. They led Colorado in the 3rd quarter. And then they remembered who they are. God love ya, we wouldn't have this list if it weren't for you guys. (This Week: See #3)

1) Miami (OH) 0-2. One day the Redhawks will win again. Right? Surely they can't go 2-straight seasons without a win. And they do play in the MAC, so there's a chance. Right? Okay, maybe not. (This Week: at Michigan. Our Pick: Michigan 43, Miami OH 10)

So goes another week in the house of fun. Think you can do better? Let us know. Maybe we'll let you author the column for a week....